I find it fascinating how human beings can go from being strangers one day to sharing the utmost intimacy.
We are out with friends, or at work, university, wherever or however. We meet someone, we like them, they like us, we draw each other into our lives. We start calling, texting, emailing, thinking about someone we never even knew existed a few hours or days or months before.
We start sharing the most intimate situations, like sleeping, with someone else. We open up, become vulnerable, make plans together.
Of course, I am generalizing. Every relationship follows its own pace and it takes different times to everyone of us to reach certain stages of a relationship.
But where every case coincides is during the time of the break up. It is during the break up where we are faced with a task: to take a person that occupied a special place out of our lives, heart and head.
I was never good with break ups. I never
win a break up. I always want to call minutes or hours after we make the decision. Even if it is logical on my side that it does not make any sense to stay together.
What I hate the most is when I read, watch or hear something that the other would appreciate. And I cannot tell him, because I have to give him space. And because I should be focusing in a million things, no? Because he said horrible things to me, or whatnot. Right, even if it is my first impulse, because maybe even 24 hours ago we were taking each other into account for the decisions we were making, we were counting on each other and I could call him without considering the implications or over analyzing. Without fearing that he will not pick up or hang up on me.
I try to reason with myself. Try to convince myself that it would have never worked out in the future anyways "because he was not perfect after all, he made noise when he ate, he did not take me into account, he worked too much."
And then my friends will tell me that he really was not even good looking and he did not even like me.
Why was I with him in the first place, then? huh? I liked him!!!!!!And its a big tornado of thoughts and drama and crisis and chaos and aaaaaaargggggghhhh.
I understand that human beings are complex creatures by themselves, so why expect any better when they are paired up and make decisions together?
Maybe I am weak or stupid, or a hopeless romantic who thinks that anything can be talked through. Who knows?
I am counting on Regina Spektor's "Rejazz" words:
Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't
People's children die and they don't even cry forever
Thought I'd see your face in my mind for all time
But I don't even remember what your ears looked like
And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on
Even though I'm no longer in your arms
Thought the mountain would crumble
And the rivers would bend
But I thought all wrong and the world did not end
But, for now, all that I know is that I watched a movie you would have loved, and I could not tell you about it. And I wanted to send you cheeky text messages all day. And I learned the word cheeky and now I use it every two words. And that I really hope you think of me sometimes.
